It’s nearing 2:30 in the afternoon as I casually stuff this microwave burrito into my face. Mac asks me if his little brother is still crying or if the noise is something else. Sure enough, Theo is standing up and calling out after a swift 20 minutes of napping. Surely, I’d have known that teething isn’t something you can exactly schedule. Though I always thought that those who claimed they’re baby was getting 4 teeth at once were few and far between. Yet, here we are patting the bum of a tired little babe who just needs a good nap.
I slip out of the room while holding my breath. While walking sort of funny so my ankles don’t pop. While making sure to put my finger on the knob before letting go of the door handle so it doesn’t rattle when I let go. We’re safe for another moment at least. Mac has forgotten about his devotion to the kindle and is busy building a garage for one of his race cars. Just the rhythmic tap of the keyboard, the stacking of Duplos, and the hum of the a/c are heard inside on this hot, sunny Monday.
A true quiet time is being had. I haven’t been this devoted to sitting still this long in about a month. In my last post, I mentioned how I am very much a busy person; sitting still is something that really need to push myself to do. Not that I can’t sit still for long periods of time, but typically it doesn’t seem to add value to the rest of my day, or at least not as much as finishing the dishes or starting another project. But I had a moment this morning while working out where I gave myself permission to let go of the other priorities and just write.
As a person with an idealist platform, pushing for practicality sometimes gets jaded. Many times the thoughts and plans can be overwhelming and I just need to sit and hash them out. I’ve also been prone to making excuses and bailing on plans because the circumstances weren’t the best. What I’m getting at is that I’m sick and tired of being a fair-weather participant in my own life. Not every day is going to be sunny and breezy to run outside. Not every gym day is going to be completed before someone pages me to handle these little rapscallions. Not every nap is going to allow me the time to switch on the oven and roast some beets without telling little hands, “uh-uh. No, it’s hot” approximately twenty-thousand times.
And while I constantly find myself somewhere between them-em-all-to-shove-it and everything-i-do-is-not-enough, I think it’s safe to say, that I’m trying. All I can hope for in my lifetime is that maybe one day my kids will look back and see that I gave it my all as much as I could. With the circumstances that ebb and flow with each day factored by two small humans, I am doing a damn good job. We all have days that we fall short a little bit. We all have moments where we tell them to stop yelling because the drive-thru lady can’t hear you. And we all have moments where our priorities get a little stupid and we need to sit ourselves down and just read that nonsense. Let me just say that it’s okay if your moment takes up a week. It’s also okay if it takes a little longer.
There are really no opportunities in parenting that actually allow for a fair-weather approach. An intention needs to come from you to make it good and exciting, but life gets real and it gets real fast. The biggest thing I ever heard from my midwives was that a parent needs to be healthy (mentally and emotionally) first. It’s terribly easy to put every one before you, but there’s a line that should be drawn. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself some rest and space to explore.
Apparently, running can make me think way more than I thought. I’m unsure whether I am pleased by this or a little weirded out. Mostly this message is a letter to myself, but if you benefit from it, you are welcome to it.